I Messed Up: How to Apologize Properly and Restore Relationships

We all mess up. The implication is that we did something we shouldn't have and now we're trying to get back in someone's good graces. I don't know about you, but I've certainly been in that position before. You probably have too.

How NOT to Apologize

Many people don't have the art of apology down at all — they think they're apologizing when they're really just making things worse. Here's how NOT to say you're sorry:

• "I'm sorry I yelled at you but I had a really rotten day and you were bugging me."
• "I didn't mean the things I said during our fight but you just made me really mad."

The key word in both statements is "but." The word "but" has no place in an apology. Both statements essentially say: "I'm kind of sorry for what I did, but you made me do it — so it was really your fault."

How to Apologize Properly

Try this instead:

• "I'm sorry I yelled at you. I had a rotten day at work and I took it out on you — I shouldn't have."
• "I didn't mean the things I said during our fight. I was mad and I got carried away. I'm sorry."

An excellent thing to add is: "I'll try really hard not to do it again." This shows you're making a genuine effort.

Make Amends

If you really want to restore the relationship, do something to make amends. It shows that the relationship matters to you. Offer to take them to dinner, or ask for time to really listen without defensiveness.

A lot of people don't like to admit they're wrong — but sometimes it's unavoidable. Remember this wisdom: "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be in the relationship?" Words to live by.